Big Feelings, Better Support: Nurturing Your Neurodivergent Child
Big Feelings, Better Support: Nurturing Your Neurodivergent Child
By: Amanda Luisi, MA, LPC, ADHD-CCSP
Every child is wonderfully different, and for neurodivergent children, managing big emotions and sensory experiences can require extra support. This guide is designed to ground you, the parent, in those tough moments when your child is dysregulated and you’re feeling unsure of how to help.
Here is a step-by-step approach to co-regulation, incorporating practical, neurodivergent-friendly skills.
1. Regulate Yourself First
Their storm needs your calm. Before you can support your child, you need to be regulated yourself.
- Practice Self-Calming: Take deep breaths, use grounding strategies, or step back briefly to regroup.
- Model Regulation: Verbalize what you are doing, such as: “I’m taking deep breaths so I can help you.”
- Neurodivergent Support: Instead of relying only on words, use visual cues (calm-down cards, breathing apps, or a glitter jar) so your child can see your self-regulation in action.
2. Validate the Emotion
When a child is dysregulated, their feelings are real, even if the reaction seems big. Put simple words to the emotion you see: “You’re really angry right now.”
- Neurodivergent Support: Some children have difficulty identifying emotions. Offer concrete visuals with wording and ask a curious question related to the emotion you observe: “Your fists are tight: I wonder if that means you’re feeling mad?”
3. Sit with the Big Feelings
During intense emotions, your child’s “thinking brain” is offline. This is a time for connection, not correction.
- Be Present: Use minimal words. Offer a safe presence, proximity, or quiet space.
- Neurodivergent Support:
- Offer sensory tools (weighted blanket, fidget, squishy toy, rocking chair).
- Allow movement breaks—pacing, jumping, or swinging can be regulatory for some.
4. Notice the Vulnerable Zone
As your child begins to calm, they enter a vulnerable zone. Avoid rushing into problem-solving or reviewing the situation too quickly.
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Neurodivergent Support: Transitions can be fragile. Use a supportive reminder like timers or visual schedules to gently show them what’s next instead of introducing sudden changes.
5. Connect the Senses
Sensory input can bring a child back to the present moment.
- Grounding: Try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique (notice 5 things you see, 4 things you touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, 1 thing you taste).
- Neurodivergent Support: Adapt sensory grounding based on their unique needs:
- For sensory-seeking kids: Provide strong input (a crunchy or chewy snack, a textured fidget, music with a strong rhythm).
- For sensory-sensitive kids: Offer calming input (dim lights, soft textures, a quiet corner, noise-canceling headphones).
6. Check Basic Needs
A dysregulated state is often a signal for an unmet basic need.
- Ask Simply: Inquire if they are hungry, thirsty, tired, or overstimulated.
- Neurodivergent Support: Use yes/no questions or choice boards instead of open-ended questions: “Do you want water or a snack?”
7. Invite Reflection (when ready)
Once everyone is calm, you can gently invite reflection. If they are not ready to talk, wait until later.
- Neurodivergent Support:
- Use visual supports (drawing, social stories, or comic strips) to help retell what happened.
- Offer short, to the point questions instead of long, complicated explanations.
8. Care for Yourself
Supporting a child through dysregulation is demanding. Your own well-being is vital.
- Recharge: Check in with your own needs, focusing on rest, support, and breaks.
- Neurodivergent Support: Remember to adjust your own sensory environment before and after these moments—whether it’s quiet time, a grounding activity, or hydration.
Extra Neurodivergent-Friendly Tools Parents Can Keep Handy
To proactively manage big feelings, consider keeping these tools easily accessible:
- A Calm-Down Kit: Fidgets, a weighted lap pad, a chewy necklace, noise-reducing headphones, and bubbles.
- A Calm Corner: A cozy, safe space with predictable, familiar sensory items.
- Visual Aids: Timers, schedules, choice boards, and emotion charts.
- Movement Options: A mini trampoline, indoor swing, yoga ball, or safe “big body play.”
- Co-regulation Activities: Humming, rhythmic breathing, rocking together, or walking side by side.